Confession

When I began this blog, I wanted it to serve as a medium to be able to share info about Addison with family and friends. I purposefully left out a lot of the things that were happening to myself and Steve.
When I was training to be a teacher, we were told again and again (once by a lawyer!) how important it was for teachers not to put "stuff" out on the internet. Tales were told of people fired based on things they had put on the internet. Now, I don't live a lifestyle that would leave me fearful of being fired, but I didn't like the idea of students or their parents looking me up on the internet and reading my blog or facebook account. I remember after Addison was born that I wrote an entire blog post about my experiences suffering from baby blues. I never posted it.
What has changed? I am no longer a teacher. It feels weird at moments to say that because I loved being a teacher. Even though I have loved being a teacher, what I wanted even more was to be a full time stay-at-home mommy. As a child, my mother stayed home with us. I remember vividly sitting down at the kitchen table for mommy's "school" (mom wanted to keep our brains sharp during the summer months). I remember several times forgetting needed items as home that were quickly brought to me by my mother. I always knew that if we had a big event at school or if they needed a volunteer to help that my mom would be there. I've always wanted to be that kind of mother.
Steve and I couldn't afford for me to stay home when Addison was first born, but with Steve getting his first big 'after college' job it has made this possible. There are still sacrifices. Steve is gone for 3 weeks at a time. When he comes home, the visit is 3 days before he returns. Addison often asks for her daddy and I have to remind her daily "Daddy's at work." Financially, of course we would be better off if I continued working, but we have agreed that we can make this situation work.
Okay, so now that's out of the way. . . here's my confession. I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for years, so I found it very interesting my gut reaction to a situation a few weeks ago. While Steve and I were at the hospital with Addison, the nurse was asking me questions about our insurance. She asked to confirm that I was a teacher. I corrected her and told her that I was a stay-at-home home. She plugged me in as a "homemaker." And it happened. I felt this small flutter of embarrassment inside of myself. Why? Where did that come from? I worried about how that woman perceived me because of my "lack of a job." Did she think I was uneducated? Did she think I was lazy? I felt embarrassed and confused about why I felt embarrassed.
I told my sister-in-law Melissa about this experience. She said she thinks it was Satan's influence. I think she has a point. Satan has been working on destroying the family. Culturally, it is typical now for the husband and wife to work. Steve and I discussed how nice it would feel to have me work another year and to pay off a nice chunk of the house.
But then I think back to the mornings when Addison wanted me to read her a book and I had to rush her/me out the door to get to school. I think of the times that she showed me a letter and wanted me to teach her about it, but I was too tired or too busy fixing dinner or grading papers. Now, I imagine all the books we have read together now that I'm home all day. I imagine the little "discoveries" that Addison has made and I was able to witness. I think of all the times she has grabbed my face and kissed me with all the love and gratitude she feels towards me. I think this stay-at-home mom thing is going to be good. . .